I was recently asked to speak at the Africa Fertility Show, I naturally welcomed the honor. I felt grateful to share my story with others that may be embarking on this taxing journey and hopeful that it would be cathartic. Least did I know how triggering it would be, and the amount of emotional hangover I was left with days after the event.
A day after the talk and listening to others that had been through a similar experience, I felt a familiar darkness rising from within. I tried very hard to negotiate with her, to tell she cannot have a hold on me anymore because my void had been filled by two delightful children. But it was Depression, you see, she did not care for Love and Joy that had found residence in me since the arrival of my children, Depression had visited me on numerous occasions prior to their arrival and was familiar with my internal environment and its dwellers. Depression is selfish and territorial, she loathes sharing space with others.
I too remember Depression well. Depression despises motivation, laziness is her best friend and anger and listlessness are her cheerleaders. She does not care for sleep, often leaving me feeling exhausted. Depression did not disappoint, she invited her ally Doubt and kept me wondering if I had made the right decisions in the past few years. Even as I know Depression as well as I do, it takes dedicated practice to sit with her, without judgment nor strive, trusting that she may be visiting to impart some important information and see her for who she is; mere thoughts going through my mind mostly negative and just allow them to pass, knowing too well that she may pay me an uninvited visit again. It crossed my mind that Depression could be visiting to lead the way for Change, for it is in painful emotions that we are propelled to make changes that bring us to our homeostasis. Now, Change can be as much of a bully…but that is a story for another day.
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