“Grief does not change you, it reveals you”, allow it
I did not in the slightest think I would have as many articles about the virus. When it first hit, I convinced myself it would soon pass. But, here we are, almost 150 days since the first case of COVID-19 was reported in South Africa, still under lock down regulations. In more ways than one, we have collectively experienced loss during this trying time. Be it loss of a loved one, community, daily routines or perhaps like me, you have recently lost the prospect of sipping on your favourite glass of wine.
Religious and spiritual leaders have for centuries commented on death as an opportunity for personal and spiritual development. I am not sure if there is currently room for growth, loss is felt daily to a point of leaving us numb. This has left us unsure of how to move through intense emotional pain. If we are incapacitated to feel and work through this pain, what are the possibilities of recovery?
A few weeks ago, I woke up to the news that someone I know succumbed to the virus. This experience was peculiar because the person that died was not a constant in my life, we did not speak often nor feature in each other’s lives regularly. However, the news of his death came close to the sting I felt when I lost my mother. If you have lost someone close to you, you will remember that raw pain of a stab in the core of your being. This does not discount the quality of a human he was. He was as generous in his being as he was with his laughter. You needed only here his laughter to know that he was in your midst.
What perplexed me about the loss was the impact it had on me. I spent days meditating over it and not understanding how to make sense of it. Granted, there was the downheartedness of knowing that I would never have closure like I have had in similar circumstances. The virus has stripped us of the rituals and traditions that are designed to honor the deceased and offer the grief-stricken emotional support. Perhaps this is the reason the loss was so arduous to deal with, I had been denied a joint communal mourning process that I have grown so accustomed to, or maybe it is because I know that I have no control over this virus, and that it will still claim a lot more lives before it is behind us.
The powerlessness and hopelessness demanded that I think of novel ways to deal with loss during the pandemic. I sought some help to work through my grief and found information I felt would be worth sharing.
Unhelpful statements that the griever often tells themselves during their grieving process:
· Don’t feel bad or sorry for yourself.
· Replace the loss, usually with stuff .
· Grieve alone, everyone else is having a tough time, do not bother them.
· Just give it time, time heals all wounds.
· Be strong for others (wife, husband kids, parents), they need you more,
· Keep busy, it will make time fly by quickly
Things to keep in mind when going through a grieving process or when around those that are grieving:
· Try to stop intellectual justifications from overpowering the emotional truth.
· Remember that grieving people want and need to be heard not fixed.
· Talk about death as what it is, especially to children. It is important that they understand what happened to their loved ones. Statements like ‘God has called ___’, ‘_____ has gone to sleep’ or ‘____has passed away’ can be confusing to children.
· Death of a child or a sudden accident typically creates a breach in one’s faith, followed by anger towards God, the Universe, Allah, Brahman or the Supreme being. Allow the feelings to ensue, however it is important that the griever resolves the relationship with the person that died. Once a resolution is reached, faith usually returns naturally, and often with renewed intensity.
· Steer clear from enshrinement - only focusing on fond memories and bedevilment – only complaining about the deceased. All relationships include both positive and negative aspects.
· All our lives we’ve been taught to seek approval of others. This leads to sacrificing our emotional bereavement journey for pleasing family and friends who make comments like ‘It was their time’, ‘you are strong enough to handle it’.
Steps on working towards recovering from a loss:
1. Understanding that wishing things were better, different or more is not the same as guilt.
2. Taking responsibility for our own recovery.
3. Deciding if you will work through the grief alone or with a partner.
4. Set guidelines with your partner and commit to the guidelines.
5. Identify short term energy relievers such as food, alcohol, sex, shopping, exercise and isolation, screen, books, workaholism (the list is not exhaustive). Take note that short term relief does not work, however it creates an illusion of recovery.
6. Identify your preferred short-term energy-relieving behavior and be mindful of it.
7. Be cautious of comparing losses to minimize feelings, statements such as ‘I can’t feel bad about losing my mother because my friend lost both her parents’.
8. Set up a loss history graph to create a detailed examination of the loss events in your life. The purpose is to identify the patterns that have resulted from your losses and how you have responded.
9. Learn your behavioural patterns from the loss history graph and identify losses that are incomplete
10. If working on your own, journal on your loss history graph or work together with your partner to provide feedback on each other's loss history graph.
11. Set up a relationship graph to identify any incomplete relationships you would like to work on. The goal of the relationship graph is to identify undelivered communications, positive or negative.
12. Translate the relationship graph into recovery components, namely; apologies, forgiveness and significant emotional statements.
13. Journal on the recovery components or share recovery statement with partner.
14. Write a grief recovery completion letter to say goodbye to what is incomplete and the pain you associate with that relationship.
This one goes out to Di-Fre, you will be sorely missed.
‡ After The Grief Recovery Handbook, by J.W. James and R. Friedman.
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